Well, I Will try to write more often. I have been in a down period, I have mostly read and played Sims.
I do feel like a failure in life, 40 years old, not working and overweight. This is not how I imagained My life gooing. Granted, My dreams where a bit, over the to top, but anyway.
But anyway, I got complimented om a house I built in Sims, so that is great. And me and My husband have shipped our daughter to her grandparents. The thing we get most excited about, now we can eat what we like, without trying to get our daughter too eat to. I think a lot of parents can relate.
So, I realised that you can share your buildings in the sims on twitter, so that more people can see them. Problem: I did not have an twitter account, but I do now. I joined twitter for sharing houses I built in the sims. Is that weird? No, it is not weird. I like building, it is relaxing. Okay, I did get stressed when I built the very thin house, because, STAIRS! Why are there not spiral stairs in the sims? Why are there not bunkbeds? It feels like a lot of things are missing, and I wonder why they can not fix that.
But anyway, I got twitter, I linked it to this blog, and I will share houses I built in the sims. I think this is my special interest for a while. Yey for having autism.
I found it in YouTube, in a channel with James Turner. He put up his build, and also the shell-build so that you can download that and build your thin, tiny home. I uploaded mine to the gallery today, I hope someone likes it.
I you want try yourself, look for: TheSimSupply, that is his nick. If you want to see my build, search after Ingemo.
It was fun, but stairs take up so much space. I have been muttering about stairs the thole buildingtime.
I had a pretty good weekend this time, especially sunday. My husband was going to buy new headphones, and me and my daughter went to. We also thought we could turn in our daughters phone, she has dropped it to many times and the screen it in shards. That did not go totally well with my daughter, she would have no phone! Her life was ruined! She did get to borrow mine later, but that is not really good either, but it works. She was mostly upset about her Harry Potter game.
I also finally bought the Supernatural cookbook. I have to have some things left of it, even when the series end. I will make Pudding!
Sims starter house
I also build houses in sims. I did a tiny starter house, tier-2. With a pool, so that they do not get to hot. I am really happy that there are stuff that are free so you can build a house that looks almost okay, but a sim can still buy it for a starter.
So, all in all, I think I am okay. I think that I feel alright, but I am not sure either. I do feel like I am always on edge, and there is a lot of sensory overload right now. It is to bright, to much noise. I have no idea how to make it better.
I continued with my picture I bought at my birthday, paint-by-numbers. A bear of course. I got a little confused when it said I should mix blue and brown, for the fur on the bear, but it actually was a good color. So bears are brown and blue. My world has changed.
This is what I have, I recommend it, quite soothing. I do not think it will turn out great, but better than me trying to paint a bear myself. That it for sure.
And if you excuse me, I will go and watch stop motion clips on youtube of people building houses in sims.
Well, I did some quarantine. I have not been sick, I had a cold, no Corona here. Me and my daughter has been at home with colds, and it has been a little bit of a challenge. My daughter wants to go to school, and I think she can go tomorrow. She is bored, but she has done her homework, and she has been out walking the cat. Yes, the cat. Apparently he went under a porch and did not want to leave.
She has also told me she wants an sibling. It is just because she has been forced to stay at home, but she does not really understands that is not really possible. She gave the suggestions that we should adopt a child. She will have to be satisified with the cats as siblings. They can be annoying as smaller siblings can, so why not.
It is good for him that he is sweet and stuff. Both our cats are sweet, and lovely. Seilna likes to lie beside me when I am reading, it gets a little how, but cat, who can say no to cat.
I also managed to set fire to the microwave oven. I was heating up my wheat pillow, and it caught on fire. The microwave was toast, and the wheat pillow also. We have a new microwave oven, but no new wheat pillow. It was no fun at all.
So I have been reading, playing sims and feeling stressed. I have not been up to writing anything for a long time. I will try to write more, I like writing a blog, for some reason. It is destressing.
Well, I hope everyone is safe, and have enough toiletpaper. Think one day we will remember this time as not the time of a pandemic, but the time the toiletpaper where no where to be found.
It is monday, and it has been a ordinary day. I got to watch Doctor Who, which is always lovely. I actually like Jodie Whittaker as the doctor, I feel like she make a good one. The Master is creepy crazy, even if I really did like Michelle Gomez as Missy. I have watched Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, and I love her as Lilith.
I watch a lot of series, and one of my favourite is ending with this season. I guess most people can guess what it is, Supernatural. I have ordered the cockbook, and it is my birthdaypresent to myself. I think you all should order it.
I also watch Lucifer, and want the next season now. But altered carbon comes on thursday to netflix, so there is that.
Well, there is my talking about some series I watch. I watch other to, I actually watch the Good Doctor, but I get angry every time. I do not feel like he represent a good picture of someone with autism. Not someone that where able to complete a education like that. The picture of autism is very sterotypical, and that are all people that where on the show and have autism. I know two of the actors really have autism, but I miss the people that I and many more of us can identify with. Those that many people say to: Oh, you do not seem autistic. I have heard that a lot. I have no idea what to say to that. I do think I seem autistic. But many people do not seem to think people with autism can have relationships and especially children. But I do rock, rocking is good for you.
Kill the men!
Oh, and I have seven men in my basement, that is only a small part and the rest is a pool. I am waiting to see who dies first. They are really uncomfortable. In sims, it is in sims, you do not have to call the police. They are in sims, I do not even own a basement.
I have had no interest or motivation to write anything in my blog the last couple of days. I have not really been doing anything, besides reading and playing sims. Okay, building houses in sims. But no pictures this time, I think.
I get like this, I start big, and then I just fall through. I do not want to, I have no motivation, I do not know how to continue. It feels like my brain is melting, I know, not melting, but I feel, empty for some reason. I wonder if I could learn how to draw, or how to sew. I tried cross stitching, it is done, but I have not put it in a frame yet. But that feels like it would really mean something for other people. This, this is just nothing. I feel like I am nothing sometimes. Or mostly, like I have no skills what so ever. I am not one of those brilliant autistic people that have this amazing skill, and can profite from it. I am one of the ordinary autistic people that can live a relatively normal life, but not be able to work.
It eats at me, and I feel useless because of this. I feel that other people are soo much better than I am, they can do what they want with their life. I do not really know why I got this way, my daughter is diagnosed with ASD also, but she seems quite different. She has talent for writing, for drawing and a lot of other stuff. I can not remember that I had that when I was a child. Perhaps I did, but it died with my mothers criticism of me. I never did anything right in her eyes. I think I stopped trying, because I knew that she was going to say something about it.
I am turning 40 in a little more than a week. I wonder what I will do with the rest of my life. I can not go on living like I have. I do love my husband and my daughter. I want to be a good example for my daughter, but I do not know how.
The worst part is my anxiety. I have medication, but I do not want to live with medication all my life. I want to be healthy and live medication free. Perhaps anti-depressant is what I would go for only, because of my depression in the winter. But other than that, I want to be free of medication. But I do not know how to start feeling better about myself.
I bought some books today for my kindle, and one of them was The sun down motel by Simone St. James. I have read all her books, and I really love them. This one is about a haunted hotel, a girl that goes missing in 1982 and her niece that tries to solve the mystery in 2007 after her mother has died. I have just started with it, but I feel it is going to be wonderful. I really love her books, and I can recomend them for you.
Tiny Oasis Spring house
I guess you can not believe what I have done more today. Yes, I have built another house in sims. This one was a tiny house, the smallest kind, and it is for those who wants to garden. I even put in a bonsai tree because that can make your gardening better.
My birthday is coming up soon, and my husband had told me that we could go out to eat at a restaurant that I like. I talked to my father today, and he is going to join us. He does not really like going to those places, but he will do it anyway. Because i will be 40 then. 40 years old, I do not feel that old. I feel like I am around 25, it is a little weird to think that I am going to be 40. My father asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I do not really know. I guess money always comes in handy. I did say a trip to Edingburg, or perhaps the throne to Scotland. I have done some genealogy, and at first it was as I suspected. Swedish people, not that well off, but not dirt poor either. Then I started wonder why people where born in Scotland, and then it blew up. Now I can trace my ancestors back to around 1000, I found out that I was related to a Sinclair clan and one of my ancestors was James V Stewart, King of Scots. The weird thing was that no one knew about that. My father got really surprised, and his father does not knew about that either. I know a lot of people are related to them, and a lot of people can trace their lineage to these people. I just did not think they would pop up in my tree. I wonder if it was there I got my autism from.
I am thinking about going to bed soon and read perhaps. I am a little anxoius about it, because I have sleeping troubles. I take medicine for it, sleeping pills and other stuff for both depression and my anxiety. It helps some, but I feel it is hard to maintain the right amount of medicine. I guess most people who have sleeping troubles and anxiety can relate too when you are feeling very anxoius, can not sleep and so on, and you think, just this time I will take some extra. It is dangerous, really dangeraous. And I feel worse after, it is a vicious cirle. I have really big trouble to relax, and wind down. And I have trouble staying asleep.
But it is nice going to bed, and close the door. Put in my ear plugs and the sound disappears. In the evening I feel really overwhelmed by all sensory inputs. Right now I have really trouble concentrating and write, and I have to stop now. I feel overwhelmed and it feels like I am going to have a meltdown.
I did it, I built a bear cave. I tried to make it look a little good, and it it of course of grid. So she have books and music to entertain herself. She has also a dog that looks kind of a bear. And she wears only a bear costume, all the time. I think it will be fun playing with this one, I can pretend I am a bear also.
If someone wants to download these, if you want to be a bear to, my name in sims gallery is Ingemo. Come on, I know you want to Bear It!
I know I get a little fixated with stuff. I have some things I am really into, and it can also go in waves. I do like to read, and I read a lot. I usually do not give up on a book, even if I think it is quite bad, I want to know how it ends.
But right know I am very into sims, I like playing, I like building. I do wish I had an more creative interest, like sewing or painting, but I can not seem to do that. I am clumsy, I drop stuff, go into things, and it also affects that. It is so hard to do these things for me, my hands does not want to do what I want them do do. Clumsy there to. I know people say, you just have to practice, but I do not think it is. Perhaps that is why I like building in sims, it feels like I finally can do something that is a little creative.
If I can do that, perhaps I can do something with my life in my future. I feel like I am drifitng along, not contributing at all.
The thing is, when I think about finishing school, getting a job, I feel panic.Then I have to meet other people, and I have to talk to them. I feel it is really hard doing that, becuase it is hard trying to interpret what they are saying. It is not just words, it is body language and it feels most people do not speak clearly. I was talking to the people here that handles autistic people, and they signed me up for social interaction training. I really do not feel that would help me, but that is the help you can get. It feels like I get sent to more training in masking, and that is not what I want at all. I want to learn not to mask as much, I feel like my masking is bad for my mental health. It is stressful, it is exhausting. Whenever I have been out I feel like I have to go to bed and sleep for a week. I wish I could learn not to mask, and that people would accept me anyway.
One another note, we discovered today that Emrys, our big georgeous cat, is a little afraid of socks. We were sorting socks on the bed, he came up and when he saw the socks he jumped high. He was very sucpicious about these socks. I do not think I have met a cat that was afraid of socks before