Autistic anxiety

I have had no interest or motivation to write anything in my blog the last couple of days. I have not really been doing anything, besides reading and playing sims. Okay, building houses in sims. But no pictures this time, I think.

I get like this, I start big, and then I just fall through. I do not want to, I have no motivation, I do not know how to continue. It feels like my brain is melting, I know, not melting, but I feel, empty for some reason. I wonder if I could learn how to draw, or how to sew. I tried cross stitching, it is done, but I have not put it in a frame yet. But that feels like it would really mean something for other people. This, this is just nothing. I feel like I am nothing sometimes. Or mostly, like I have no skills what so ever. I am not one of those brilliant autistic people that have this amazing skill, and can profite from it. I am one of the ordinary autistic people that can live a relatively normal life, but not be able to work.

It eats at me, and I feel useless because of this. I feel that other people are soo much better than I am, they can do what they want with their life. I do not really know why I got this way, my daughter is diagnosed with ASD also, but she seems quite different. She has talent for writing, for drawing and a lot of other stuff. I can not remember that I had that when I was a child. Perhaps I did, but it died with my mothers criticism of me. I never did anything right in her eyes. I think I stopped trying, because I knew that she was going to say something about it.

I am turning 40 in a little more than a week. I wonder what I will do with the rest of my life. I can not go on living like I have. I do love my husband and my daughter. I want to be a good example for my daughter, but I do not know how.

The worst part is my anxiety. I have medication, but I do not want to live with medication all my life. I want to be healthy and live medication free. Perhaps anti-depressant is what I would go for only, because of my depression in the winter. But other than that, I want to be free of medication. But I do not know how to start feeling better about myself.

And I want it done now. I am impatient as heck.

The sun down motel

I bought some books today for my kindle, and one of them was The sun down motel by Simone St. James. I have read all her books, and I really love them. This one is about a haunted hotel, a girl that goes missing in 1982 and her niece that tries to solve the mystery in 2007 after her mother has died. I have just started with it, but I feel it is going to be wonderful. I really love her books, and I can recomend them for you.

Tiny Oasis Spring house

I guess you can not believe what I have done more today. Yes, I have built another house in sims. This one was a tiny house, the smallest kind, and it is for those who wants to garden. I even put in a bonsai tree because that can make your gardening better.

Birthday

My birthday is coming up soon, and my husband had told me that we could go out to eat at a restaurant that I like. I talked to my father today, and he is going to join us. He does not really like going to those places, but he will do it anyway. Because i will be 40 then. 40 years old, I do not feel that old. I feel like I am around 25, it is a little weird to think that I am going to be 40. My father asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I do not really know. I guess money always comes in handy. I did say a trip to Edingburg, or perhaps the throne to Scotland. I have done some genealogy, and at first it was as I suspected. Swedish people, not that well off, but not dirt poor either. Then I started wonder why people where born in Scotland, and then it blew up. Now I can trace my ancestors back to around 1000, I found out that I was related to a Sinclair clan and one of my ancestors was James V Stewart, King of Scots. The weird thing was that no one knew about that. My father got really surprised, and his father does not knew about that either. I know a lot of people are related to them, and a lot of people can trace their lineage to these people. I just did not think they would pop up in my tree. I wonder if it was there I got my autism from.

Bedtime

I am thinking about going to bed soon and read perhaps. I am a little anxoius about it, because I have sleeping troubles. I take medicine for it, sleeping pills and other stuff for both depression and my anxiety. It helps some, but I feel it is hard to maintain the right amount of medicine. I guess most people who have sleeping troubles and anxiety can relate too when you are feeling very anxoius, can not sleep and so on, and you think, just this time I will take some extra. It is dangerous, really dangeraous. And I feel worse after, it is a vicious cirle. I have really big trouble to relax, and wind down. And I have trouble staying asleep.

But it is nice going to bed, and close the door. Put in my ear plugs and the sound disappears. In the evening I feel really overwhelmed by all sensory inputs. Right now I have really trouble concentrating and write, and I have to stop now. I feel overwhelmed and it feels like I am going to have a meltdown.

I built a bear cave in sims 4

I did it, I built a bear cave. I tried to make it look a little good, and it it of course of grid. So she have books and music to entertain herself. She has also a dog that looks kind of a bear. And she wears only a bear costume, all the time. I think it will be fun playing with this one, I can pretend I am a bear also.

If someone wants to download these, if you want to be a bear to, my name in sims gallery is Ingemo. Come on, I know you want to Bear It!

Special interests

I know I get a little fixated with stuff. I have some things I am really into, and it can also go in waves. I do like to read, and I read a lot. I usually do not give up on a book, even if I think it is quite bad, I want to know how it ends.

But right know I am very into sims, I like playing, I like building. I do wish I had an more creative interest, like sewing or painting, but I can not seem to do that. I am clumsy, I drop stuff, go into things, and it also affects that. It is so hard to do these things for me, my hands does not want to do what I want them do do. Clumsy there to. I know people say, you just have to practice, but I do not think it is. Perhaps that is why I like building in sims, it feels like I finally can do something that is a little creative.

If I can do that, perhaps I can do something with my life in my future. I feel like I am drifitng along, not contributing at all.

Autism

The thing is, when I think about finishing school, getting a job, I feel panic.Then I have to meet other people, and I have to talk to them. I feel it is really hard doing that, becuase it is hard trying to interpret what they are saying. It is not just words, it is body language and it feels most people do not speak clearly. I was talking to the people here that handles autistic people, and they signed me up for social interaction training. I really do not feel that would help me, but that is the help you can get. It feels like I get sent to more training in masking, and that is not what I want at all. I want to learn not to mask as much, I feel like my masking is bad for my mental health. It is stressful, it is exhausting. Whenever I have been out I feel like I have to go to bed and sleep for a week. I wish I could learn not to mask, and that people would accept me anyway.

One another note, we discovered today that Emrys, our big georgeous cat, is a little afraid of socks. We were sorting socks on the bed, he came up and when he saw the socks he jumped high. He was very sucpicious about these socks. I do not think I have met a cat that was afraid of socks before

Thursday Sun ramblings πŸŒ·

The sun is tricking me today. It is a blue sky and lovely sunshine outside, but it is cold. I know it is winter, I know it is only february, but I really want it to be spring. I want flowers, and that lovely pale green the leafs get when they start growing.

Emrys likes his place at the window at least. Watching for birds seems fun, maybe I will try it.

I am trying to feel more positive, but it is hard work. I feel like a failure with my life, I have no job, and I really do not think I will get one. My anxiety always comes in the way with it, and I am struggling to see what I could bring to a work place. I do not really feel at home with people that I do not know. From My experience I say or do something that they would think weird and it gets awkward.

But I do have other things in my life that are wonderful. My daughter, my husband, My lovely cats.

My husband knows that I really like tulips, but I really do not like cut flowers, I think they die so fast that I can not enjoy them. So he bought me curtains with tulips on them, two sets. One with white background and one with black. And then a bouquet with artificial tulips for me.

The best part, I do not have to throw them out after a week.

Because I showed a picture of one of my cats, the other one must be shown also. So here she is, Selina, in all her glory.

Yes, she is named after Catwoman.

I have been playing a little to much Sims 4 these days, and it is hard work. One of my sims went to university, it is so stressful. Not a game you play to relax. I am thinking my sim is going to drop out, marry a robot and adopt some kids. The other one will not marry, she is together with Straud. I can not stop pushing a sim together with him, it happends every time. He is a great father by the way, the kids get ugly, but he is a really loving father. But this time I plan to have them together until she gets old and die, and Straud will get so sad that he commits suicide by standing in the sun. The sun will trick him to, like it tricks me.

What I really wish for right know is the way to make my daughter be able to go to school. She has missed so much now, and I do not know what to do. She has no trouble with schoolwork, she is often ahead of them. But she has to go to school. I hope it will get better after her holiday.

Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey”
/ Doctor Who

A Diary of sorts

I am new at this, but I thought I would give it a try. It is overwhelming to say the least with all these choices for a design for a blog. I only want to make myself a little blog, that perhaps will interest some people.

I like the qoute, so I am keeping it.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

β€” Oscar Wilde.

catbear

About Catbear

I am a swedish woman, that tragically is not a bear in real life. I do have a lot of free time, that I hope to find a way to fill. I do not work, because of my mental health. You could say it is a little, bad. I am also autistic, I was diagnosed with asperger when I was an adult. I have been masking my whole life, and it takes it toll.

I see this blog like a way to connect with other people that have some of the same experiences, with mental health and asperger. I am also a mother to a daughter, that is also diagnosed with asperger. It has it challenges for both of us, and I would like to write about it.

I was thinking a little about what I wanted with this blog, I think I have some idea about why I write, and also why I choose to write in english.

  • I want more people to read it and connect with more people
  • I want to practice writing in english
  • I want to practice writing overall
  • I want to tell about living with mental health problems
  • I want to tell about living with autism
  • I want to show pictures of my cats