I have had no interest or motivation to write anything in my blog the last couple of days. I have not really been doing anything, besides reading and playing sims. Okay, building houses in sims. But no pictures this time, I think.
I get like this, I start big, and then I just fall through. I do not want to, I have no motivation, I do not know how to continue. It feels like my brain is melting, I know, not melting, but I feel, empty for some reason. I wonder if I could learn how to draw, or how to sew. I tried cross stitching, it is done, but I have not put it in a frame yet. But that feels like it would really mean something for other people. This, this is just nothing. I feel like I am nothing sometimes. Or mostly, like I have no skills what so ever. I am not one of those brilliant autistic people that have this amazing skill, and can profite from it. I am one of the ordinary autistic people that can live a relatively normal life, but not be able to work.
It eats at me, and I feel useless because of this. I feel that other people are soo much better than I am, they can do what they want with their life. I do not really know why I got this way, my daughter is diagnosed with ASD also, but she seems quite different. She has talent for writing, for drawing and a lot of other stuff. I can not remember that I had that when I was a child. Perhaps I did, but it died with my mothers criticism of me. I never did anything right in her eyes. I think I stopped trying, because I knew that she was going to say something about it.
I am turning 40 in a little more than a week. I wonder what I will do with the rest of my life. I can not go on living like I have. I do love my husband and my daughter. I want to be a good example for my daughter, but I do not know how.
The worst part is my anxiety. I have medication, but I do not want to live with medication all my life. I want to be healthy and live medication free. Perhaps anti-depressant is what I would go for only, because of my depression in the winter. But other than that, I want to be free of medication. But I do not know how to start feeling better about myself.
And I want it done now. I am impatient as heck.